Wednesday, March 22, 2006


WW: The part of Atreau will now be portrayed by ???

I'm so disappointed in myself, from this week to last I gained a pound. The past three weeks I haven't been paying attention to my intake and have been rather lax on exercising. I turned things around this week and have exercised every day so far.

As a kid I watched a lot of soap operas and when they'd replace a character with another actor they'd announce "The part of _______ will now be portrayed by __________." before the scene where they introduced that actor to the show.

Why can't that happen in real life, where someone takes over for a bit while you get things in order? I feel like I've fallen backwards these past three weeks and it's going to take some time to catch up.

Anyhow, this is what Weight Watchers had to say on the matter:
GREAT JOB for logging your weight! We notice that you've gained a little this week. You should know that gaining weight every now and then is a natural part of the weight-loss journey.

In other news, my sister read on here the whole admission to my not being tested for Thalassemia. She was going over the symptoms and got me freaking out because I exhibit some of those symptoms.

Then again, my sister is a bit of a hypochondriac and has a tendency to believe she's got every illness known (and a few unknown) to man. Then, she tries to get others to believe they too have the same illnesses.

Self Injury (SI) Report:

Last week wasn't too bad until Friday came along. On Friday I was incredibly frustrated over relatively minor situations and while the desire (probably not the right word) to hurt myself was rather high, I didn't give into the trigger(s).

It was really hard because I've been trying to apply breathe therapy any time the desire to injure myself arises. And for the most part it works, for minor issues. It's when major things arise or a compound of minor things builds up, when it fails to help me. That's what I need to work on more.

How SI has affected my family:

I was five the first time I was caught injuring myself. My mom would fix my hair in the morning and one particular morning I hated how she fixed it (I always hated how she fixed it) so I started messing it up and yanking on it, then I started punching myself in the stomach and that was when she caught me (my mom) and she said "What are you doing? Why are you doing that? Do you want us to spank you?"

Thing is after I injure myself, it's like I'm fine (again not the right word) because afterwards the negative energy is out of my body. Sometimes its a series of injuries that builds up to that point but once it's out, I feel better.

So, I remember feeling fine after I was caught. I mean, I acted like nothing had happened and went on to school but kept it "secret" after that incidence.

Problem was that it wasn't a secret, my family knew about it but it was never talked about. I think my parents expected me to grow out of this behavior. You know how toddlers throw themselves on the floor when they don't get what they want? Well, they expected me to grow out of this behavior after adolescence. In all honesty, my mom is still waiting for me to grow out of it. She sees me as an overdramatic drama queen - which I won't deny, as I am for certain things - but SI is one thing that you don't just grow out of.

There wasn't much known about SI when I was little, I was in high school the first time I had ever heard about cutters and that was when I realized that I wasn't alone. Only within the last three years have I decided to be more vocal about my issues with SI.

Recently, my dad has mentioned his regret in not having sought out help for me in my childhood but like I said, so little was known about it that I'm not sure if it could have made a difference. The one person I've been incredibly open about my SI is my sister. We talk about it in some detail, what happened and why mainly.

I think my family feels that I'm angry at them for not getting me help but the truth is I'm angry at myself for having let both my issues (weight and SI) to control my life.

I always thought that it was my secret issue to deal with but I've come to realize how much it's affected my family. I feel like the most selfish person in the world because of my issues with SI and as a result, I try to over compensate for being such a failure as a person.


You are not,in anyway, a failure. You are an insightful,brave and honest woman confronting & conquering issues that many keep hidden. You do this with guts,will,grace,love and humor. You are a constant inspiration to me and others. I am proud to call you my friend.

Hi, I read your page for scent-related stuff but I want to commend you for speaking out about SI. I haven't injured myself in some months now, but I was feeling strongly tempted today when my luggage got stolen and it was my fault (meaning I left it completely unattended). Anyway, seeing your post has helped me to stio think about what it means and why I feel like I need to hurt myself. So you've helped me prevent an episode during this time with your speaking out, and I really want to thank you for your well-timed (for me) and brave and honest post.
Oh sweetie, you are so NOT a failure. The fact that you posted this is proof enough of that! Thank you!

Please don't feel too bad about how your SI has impacted your family. Are there any books you can buy (or recommend) for them to read, so they can understand it better? I think if they know more, they won't feel so bad/guilty, so YOU won't have to feel so bad about THEM feeling bad. Can you tell I have my own guilt issues? LOL!

Seriously though, I understand. I have a few things I'd like to post on my blog about my family's reaction to and handling of my ED, but don't. Since one of my aunts knows about my blog, I'm scared to post anything that might get back to them and hurt them. I can't stand the idea of causing anyone pain, especially my family.

Ok, I'll stop hogging your comments now. Take care sweetie! And mad props to you for these reports.

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