Tuesday, October 24, 2006


WW: Small Steps

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning with no expectations whatsoever. For a while there I was getting a bit obsessed with the numbers on the scale and found myself constantly weighing myself - which could easily trigger me back to bulimic tendencies so I really tried to make it a point these past few weeks to only weigh myself once and not focus on the number.

My weight loss has been rather slow and inconsistent so the expectation wasn't high. Anyhow, I was very pleased to have discovered a loss of 1.4 lbs this week!

Yay! That made me feel really good.

I was talking to one of my best friends this past week and mentioned to her the results from all those test and she said "As you've been saying, this is your year! The start of something fabulous!"

It really is!

I saw the episode of Oprah today, "Suddenly Skinny" about these women who had an addiction to food, had gastric bypass surgery to lose the weight and then traded one addiction for another.

In the past I would often think that if I were thin, life would be perfect. Failing to recognize why I was fat - same with being a self-injurer. It's all a mask to cover up the real problem.

While I may complain about this process being so slow, In so many ways I'm also grateful that this process is slow. It allows me time to really focus on my negative behaviors.

I often worry that I'll never fully have these demons in control. Only time can tell what will happen. But I can't spend my entire life in the dark nor can I let these worries manifest.

I have to keep on keeping on!
Try and be the best "me" I can possibly be!

I haven't mentioned any updates regarding my struggles with SI. After the last time I decided not to keep track of the occurrence - just to really focus on the how and why. It's been while now - a long one - so, that's where I'm at there.

Each new day provides me with the opportunity to better my life with small steps.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


Beyond the Pale: Flummery

The creator describes it as:

The formal description is:
Flummery is an enticing blend of spiced honey; pure creamy vanilla; soft, musky cedar, sultry ginger and the calming, powdery note of benzoin. Serenely alluring, dangerously addictive, smells good enough to eat!

The term "flummery" comes originally from the old Welsh llymru, meaning a soft jelly made from oatmeal. It is still used to describe a number of soft, sweet puddings or custards and was also a common way to describe deceptively flattering language or humbug, very likely used to butter someone up for nefarious purposes...

I purchased this unsniffed mainly because I love honey something fierce and I melt when it comes to spices so I figured this would be perfect for me.

What it smells like: Well, not exactly honey - more like a spiced caramel. The ginger really takes a hold of this blend upon initial application. The cedar is light, hidden deep in the background and fades into this mixture.

I have very sensitive skin and try to avoid oil blends that contain cinnamon and/or nutmeg oils are those heavily irritate my skin. As in my skin turns bright lobster red and puffs up like the Marshmallow Man. Thankfully it's a temporary reaction.

Cinnamon oil in gums and toothpastes swells up my mouth and burns my throat. Dry cinnamon is a different matter and I have no problems with synthetic cinnamon.

Now ginger oil is a non-irritant unless used in high concentrations (as is nutmeg) so I'm unsure if my skin is also heavily irriated by ginger as upon initial application my skin becomes heavily irritated and puffy.

About half an hour after application I can detect some cinnamon which blends right into the ginger.

I really wish my skin didn't have such a dramatic reaction to this scent as it's perfect for winter. At first I described it as a Yankee candle type scent but it's since grown on me.

Flummery is the type of fragrance to wear on a cold dreary day when you stay in and wear your pajamas, snuggle under a bunch of blankets and watch movies.

Perhaps it's time to invest in a scent locket?

Flummery retails for £9.99/10 ml at Beyond the Pale.


HK Train Case

Look what I found at Marshalls for only $9.99: a Hello Kitty train case! I actually found two and bought them both.

At first I wasn't going to buy it because those polka dot bow ties freaked me out. They're a bit Tucker Carlsonesque and he gives me the heebie jeebies.

You know there are newscasters which are totally hot: Anderson Cooper, Bill Hemmer, Charlie Gibson, etc....

And those that are totally not: TUCKER CARLSON!

So I wasn't going to buy them but the little zipper pulls tugged at my heartstrings. Check it:

I filled this one up with a random bunch of bottles.


Barneys Fall 2006 GWP

This go around the Barneys gift with purchase "GWP" event was raised to a $175 purchase. I had planned to order more Regina Harris as that scent is truly divine in cold weather and had been meaning to order a bottle of Barneys own Route du Thé . Rounded off the purchase with a bottle of Comme des Garcons Carnation to qualify for free shipping.

I think previous bags were better than this one, specifically Fall 2005 and Spring 2006. Plus, the limit to qualify for those bags was $25 less than this event.

I'm happy with my purchase as these are items that are rarely if ever discounted but am slightly disappointed to see the quality of the bags to have gone down. Each season they would tend to get better and I think they missed the boat this season.

Think this will discourage me from ordering in the spring?

Hardly, there is always something I "need!"


WW: Come what may.

Weighed in on Monday and saw no change in my weight which was only slightly discouraging. My weight may not have changed but I've noticed that my body is changing slightly - like I'm starting to get more toned in certain areas.

Went to the Dr. to find out the results of my tests and found out *drum roll please*........I'm 100% healthy!

Everything is fine - sugar levels are normal, kidney and liver functions are fine, I exhibit no signs of anemia. Everything is fine!

My symptoms may have been a result from stress and/or my not getting enough iron/ protein.

My Dr. just suggested that I include a multi-vitamin a day and continue to diet and exercise. I have to go back in three months for my regular checkup.

Can I brag a little and say that I'm rather proud of myself for insisting on all these tests, especially the one for diabetes. This entire process has been incredibly terrifying and I am so relieved to get a clean bill of health. The old me would never have even admitted that there was a problem so I have really come a long way from there.

Believe me, I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent any illness. Week to week I tend to get so frustrated when my weight doesn't change but I haven't been looking at how much it has benefited my health in the long run.

So far this week three different people have commented my weight loss, that gave me a little boost!

I really need to give myself a break at times and let everything come what may - it may take forever but it will happen!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Puff Pouches!

I fell in love with these little pouches from Uplifting Arts and thought they were just the perfect size to carry around decants in my purse so I ordered the blue bunny puff pouch and polka dot puff pouch.

Even though they're small they're quite handy and they're lined for extra scent protection! And get this, they're only $5.99 each!

Those are 1/2 oz bottles in front of the polka dot pouch, it could fit about five or six of them but I only had three bottles handy. Nana Pink, Nana Bronze and Fifi for those interested. The bottle in front of the blue one is Par Amour Toujours.

Here are the pouches with the bottles in place. At the last second I tossed in a 1/3 oz. decant of Un Lys in addition to the other 1/2 oz. bottles.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


WW: I hate labwork!

So, after last week's weigh-in my oldest friend called me because she happened to be in town.

I last saw her a year ago and at the time tried to convince her to join Weight Watchers as it had proven to be successful in my weight loss. She was never heavy but has maintained the weight gain from her two pregnancies. She's mentioned that her eating habits aren't a problem, that her problem was a lack of exercise. While I continued with my WW/Treadmill routine, she joined Curves.

She had mentioned on the phone a few times that she hadn't lost any weight from Curves, only inches. Still, sometimes it's hard to gage weight loss.

Anyhow, when she saw me she said "Wow, you look different."

Ah, this year has been a rather hard one in so many ways. I've been SO frustrated with how slow my weight loss has been. I'll be quite honest, there are times where I'm more concerned with the numbers than how nourished my body feels.

And I know I've said it before but I really need to be more gratefull at how far I've come. The process has to be a gradual one in order for the weight loss to remain permanent.

As my WW mentor has mentioned to me on many occasions: "You didn't pack it in overnight, so it's not going to come off overnight!"

Ok, so going back to my story. My friend had mentioned that food isn't her problem but then she started talking about all the fattening and fast food she had been eating lately.

To which I said "I don't eat any fast food anymore. Instead of the regular stuff, I eat turkey bacon, turkey pepperoni and use ground turkey over beef. I eat egg whites, use fat free cheese and have sugar free ice cream in the freezer. I am very committed to my health now."

And she responded with "Oh, I'm committed! I'm just not THAT committed."

Let me add I so did not say this in my "normal" bitchy tone - and I never try to sound preachy. Because - please, there is a reason why I am on Weight Watchers!

Maybe it's me but the food substitutions aren't that much of a sacrifice. Oh sure, when I started that wasn't exactly the case. I remember crying on more than one occasion because I had used up all my daily points and was still hungry. And if I wanted to, I could still totally eat the regular stuff but then I'd have to eat a lot less of everything else.

Anyhow, talking about my health is what totally stayed with me after the visit. This entire journey isn't just about weight loss, it's about my health and being the healthiest I can be - inside and out.

Got on the scale yesterday and discovered a loss of 0.6 lbs which isn't a lot but it's more than I've lost in the past three weeks combined, so it's a start!

Fast forward to today - my labwork appt. was bumped up to this morning to test for
Thalessemia. Mind you I'm am massively hemophobic but have handled labwork fairly well in these three post-Graves years that I've had to go in on a regular basis. God, I HATE labwork!

I spent last night on the treadmill, took a shower and got ready for bed. I had trouble falling asleep and stayed up late. I try to make it a point to exercise before I go in for labwork to ease any tension but because I didn't get enough sleep the night before, I skipped the treadmill this morning. Took a shower and got dressed, made sure not to apply any fragrance and I was ready to get it over with.

Got to the Dr.'s office and had to wait a while and I was fine in the waiting room - nervous as usual but all around fine.

They called me in and I talked to the phlebotomist a bit and started with my deep breathing and concentration while she started the process.

The last thing I remembered was her saying "Gosh, you don't want to give me any blood today."

Then I feel myself being drained - slowly being drained. I felt like it was all a dream and I was being lulled back to sleep.

The next thing I remembered was opening my eyes and the
phlebotomist and two assistants hovering over me and seeing the three of them around me I started to think of the three witches from Macbeth - very random.

I didn't understand what was going on and they were trying to get me to drink water and breathe. I couldn't understand why my entire body was stiff and according to them I lost all color because I passed out!

They had me drink more water and wanted me to lay down for a while but I just wanted to get out of there. I was relieved to find out that blood sample had already been taken before I passed out.

They asked if I was diabetic (I'm not - YAY!) and offered cake to improve my condition but I refused a piece - which is SO unlike me.

*sobs* I HATE Labwork!

I have an appt. next Monday where I find out the results of the tests and *fingers crossed* there will be no fainting involved.

Monday, October 02, 2006


WW: Slowly living.

I've been so out of it lately but here is where I'm at:

Two weeks ago I went to the Dr. for my regular thyroid checkup and diabetes testing. While I was optimistic, part of me was terrified for a positive diagnosis on the diabetes. I walked in half expecting the worst, as the nurse is checking my weight and pressure she mentions "You're not diabetic!"

I clutched my heart and said "Oh, thank God!"

I then asked if my levels were off as that would explain why I haven't been feeling good and she said that they were fine.

Then I went into the examination room where I waited for the Dr. I sat there with a stupid Cheshire cat grin across my face for a while and slowly started panicking.

I was thinking to myself: "What if I imagined the entire thing or what if I created in my head that she said that I wasn't diabetic and I really was!"

Ten minutes later the Dr. walks in and goes over my info and again verifies that I'm not diabetic. Again, waves of relief flowed through my body. I wasn't imagining this!

"In your face Diabetes! You can't get me - BASTARD!"

Then he goes over my levels which he verified are normal.

I started thinking: "Negative on diabetes, and levels are fine. Then what's wrong with me?!?!" *shakes fist*

I went over how I've been feeling, especially the past couple of weeks and mentioned the family history of Thalassemia.

Both my mom & sister who have it have in previous tests been marked as anemic.

To the best of my knowledge I've never been marked as anemic but in the past they had a hint of what was wrong with me so they tested specifically for those illnesses.

My Dr. went over my previous testing and couldn't find anything that would rule out Thalassemia so he wants me to come back in two weeks for testing.

Both my mom and sister have to take iron suppliments which is the most minor treatment for Thalassemia. In the past my mom's had to go in for iron shots which is treatment when you're slightly worse off. Severe Thalassemia patients have to go in for blood transfusions.

At this point, I'm not too worried about it as there is no way I can be as badly off as my mom - that is if I do test positive for Thalassemia.

The diagnosis of Diabetes in my opinion is far worse than Thalassemia so I feel ions better to know that I'm not diabetic.

I am strongly committed to my health and am going to everything to prevent diabetes and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I've been relatively frustrated this year as I haven't lost as much weight as the year before. Sure the weight loss has been steady but it's been SO SLOW which really tests my motivation. But I'm really proud of how far I've come with this whole lifestyle change.

Last week I found a picture of myself from 2001. This whole time I thought I wasn't that big Pre-Graves. I mean I knew that I was big but I didn't know I was THAT BIG.

My memory is pretty shady Pre-Graves - thyroid affects memory and there are chunks of my Pre-Graves life that I really don't remember.

Years ago one of my best friends was struggling with her alcoholism but was deeply in denial about it.

There were numerous times where we tried to talk to her about it but she was in such denial that she wouldn't listen. Another friend suggested that we videotape her when she's at her worst - when she's passed out drunk to show her how she gets when she's drunk. (We never did this but she did get treatment for it later.)

Well, this photo was me at my worst. I suspect I may have weighed more than what I did when I joined Weight Watchers. Seriously what the hell was I thinking when this photo was taken? How could I have just let myself go?

I ran to the mirror to compare myself to that photo and didn't recognize the person in the photo as myself as I've changed so much. Not just physically but mentally - I am so very different now.

Yes, I not where I want to be - not even close! But I'm a hell of a lot farther than I was when that picture as taken.

The person in that photo was slowly dying and now I'm slowly living.

A lot of people have asked me if I've taken pictures of my progress. No, I haven't. I semi-regret this decision as there are times I could use a boost but I suspect it would hinder more than help my progress.

Anyhow, I tore up that photo from 2001. That was me at my worst, that was my "alcoholic tape." I will never get to that place again - NEVER!

So, where am I at?

Well, I am at the exact same weight that I was three weeks ago. I'm going through some plateau phase which will pass obviously. My cycle finally arrived - three weeks late. Other than not feeling too good, I'm not doing too bad.

I've included a few low fat, iron rich foods these past two weeks in my diet and am trying to incorporate 1/2 tsp of cinnamon a day. From what I read, cinnamon helps in the prevention of diabetes as it lowers blood sugar. I mix it into my oatmeal as oatmeal is rich in iron.

I honestly think that the best is still to come - slowly of course - but I'll get there.


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