Saturday, June 03, 2006


WW: Chutes and Ladders

Do you remember when playing Chutes and Ladders, how you'd get so far only to stumble across a chute and manage to fall back?

Long story short - I injured myself on Monday.

I honestly did everything I could to avoid it - breathe therapy, crying, breaking things and even an intense workout on the treadmill but all of that was still not enough to stop me.

For a while now I could feel myself slipping and as much as I tried to avoid it, the trigger was just so much stronger than me. After everything happened I felt instantly better, like my soul had this shroud lifted off of it. I know it's only temporary relief as once the feeling disappears, you're left with physical pain to mask the emotional one.

One thing that remained with me throughout was what a friend said, when and if I did stumble and injure myself, not to injure myself worse that what I would normally do - you know, not to make up for lost time. That was one of my biggest fears in trying to take control of being a self injurer, that I would fall so low to a place where I'd be unable to start all over again.

This is the third time I've injured myself this year which in all honesty isn't bad as this is the first time I've ever intentionally tried to stop, three times in the span of six months. One thing that I never took notice of until this year was that all three times that I injured myself, I was on my menstrual cycle which I felt contributed to the behavior.

Going in, I knew that setbacks are bound to happen and I'm trying not to feel too bad about it having happened but I do. I feel just awful about it and am desperately trying to get back to where I was.

So, I'm turning 30 in six weeks and am nowhere near where I thought I'd be - not even close. Feeling rather low here, so what's the solution?

Six week challenge?!?!?

You bet your ass! These last six weeks of my 20's I'm putting up a fight and am going to start this new decade on a high note - I'm not quite sure how high that note will be - but I'm determined to start a new decade in my life feeling good and hopeful.

There is only one place I can go from here and that it up! ♥

Sand, I have so much admiration for your courage and strength. Look at how far you've come. And your will to take up the fight again is amazing.

I'm sorry you injured yourself. Its a terrible burden you're struggling under.

Would it help to talk on the phone with someone who cares? I would be happy to phone you. Let me know.

take care sweetheart.

(((Sand))) You go! I'm sorry for the setback, but love the attitude you're taking for the 6-week challenge!!! You can do it!

We all hurt ourselves from time to time.
Whether it is physically, like you, or in some perverse and twisted ways (I have sabotaged myself more times than I can remember, putting at risk job, my family, etc.) So I know it is hard to keep up.
I am glad you tried the treadmill before doing it.
I have one more tip... it may sound silly but here it goes... The treadmill produces endorphins, and that's a good thing, but the second line defense in this should be oxytocin, that is the hormone we produce when we see puppies, newborns, whatever. Try browsing for kitties or better yet.. when you are ready get a pet. I am serious although it may sound silly and immensely ASS STUPIIIID!!!! it DID sound silly to me once. ;-) Once you get the oxitocin high...you will feel it.
Try it and let me know.... I know you listened to my advice on the treadmill :-) so thanks for that.
Kisses and Hugz, all the way from Argentina I care for you.

p.s.: On a regular basis all this puppy thing really makes you loose your edge, so don´t abuse it. ;-)
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