Monday, October 02, 2006


WW: Slowly living.

I've been so out of it lately but here is where I'm at:

Two weeks ago I went to the Dr. for my regular thyroid checkup and diabetes testing. While I was optimistic, part of me was terrified for a positive diagnosis on the diabetes. I walked in half expecting the worst, as the nurse is checking my weight and pressure she mentions "You're not diabetic!"

I clutched my heart and said "Oh, thank God!"

I then asked if my levels were off as that would explain why I haven't been feeling good and she said that they were fine.

Then I went into the examination room where I waited for the Dr. I sat there with a stupid Cheshire cat grin across my face for a while and slowly started panicking.

I was thinking to myself: "What if I imagined the entire thing or what if I created in my head that she said that I wasn't diabetic and I really was!"

Ten minutes later the Dr. walks in and goes over my info and again verifies that I'm not diabetic. Again, waves of relief flowed through my body. I wasn't imagining this!

"In your face Diabetes! You can't get me - BASTARD!"

Then he goes over my levels which he verified are normal.

I started thinking: "Negative on diabetes, and levels are fine. Then what's wrong with me?!?!" *shakes fist*

I went over how I've been feeling, especially the past couple of weeks and mentioned the family history of Thalassemia.

Both my mom & sister who have it have in previous tests been marked as anemic.

To the best of my knowledge I've never been marked as anemic but in the past they had a hint of what was wrong with me so they tested specifically for those illnesses.

My Dr. went over my previous testing and couldn't find anything that would rule out Thalassemia so he wants me to come back in two weeks for testing.

Both my mom and sister have to take iron suppliments which is the most minor treatment for Thalassemia. In the past my mom's had to go in for iron shots which is treatment when you're slightly worse off. Severe Thalassemia patients have to go in for blood transfusions.

At this point, I'm not too worried about it as there is no way I can be as badly off as my mom - that is if I do test positive for Thalassemia.

The diagnosis of Diabetes in my opinion is far worse than Thalassemia so I feel ions better to know that I'm not diabetic.

I am strongly committed to my health and am going to everything to prevent diabetes and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I've been relatively frustrated this year as I haven't lost as much weight as the year before. Sure the weight loss has been steady but it's been SO SLOW which really tests my motivation. But I'm really proud of how far I've come with this whole lifestyle change.

Last week I found a picture of myself from 2001. This whole time I thought I wasn't that big Pre-Graves. I mean I knew that I was big but I didn't know I was THAT BIG.

My memory is pretty shady Pre-Graves - thyroid affects memory and there are chunks of my Pre-Graves life that I really don't remember.

Years ago one of my best friends was struggling with her alcoholism but was deeply in denial about it.

There were numerous times where we tried to talk to her about it but she was in such denial that she wouldn't listen. Another friend suggested that we videotape her when she's at her worst - when she's passed out drunk to show her how she gets when she's drunk. (We never did this but she did get treatment for it later.)

Well, this photo was me at my worst. I suspect I may have weighed more than what I did when I joined Weight Watchers. Seriously what the hell was I thinking when this photo was taken? How could I have just let myself go?

I ran to the mirror to compare myself to that photo and didn't recognize the person in the photo as myself as I've changed so much. Not just physically but mentally - I am so very different now.

Yes, I not where I want to be - not even close! But I'm a hell of a lot farther than I was when that picture as taken.

The person in that photo was slowly dying and now I'm slowly living.

A lot of people have asked me if I've taken pictures of my progress. No, I haven't. I semi-regret this decision as there are times I could use a boost but I suspect it would hinder more than help my progress.

Anyhow, I tore up that photo from 2001. That was me at my worst, that was my "alcoholic tape." I will never get to that place again - NEVER!

So, where am I at?

Well, I am at the exact same weight that I was three weeks ago. I'm going through some plateau phase which will pass obviously. My cycle finally arrived - three weeks late. Other than not feeling too good, I'm not doing too bad.

I've included a few low fat, iron rich foods these past two weeks in my diet and am trying to incorporate 1/2 tsp of cinnamon a day. From what I read, cinnamon helps in the prevention of diabetes as it lowers blood sugar. I mix it into my oatmeal as oatmeal is rich in iron.

I honestly think that the best is still to come - slowly of course - but I'll get there.

Oh sweetie, hang in there. You're doing so well. Try not to look at that old picture disgust but with compassion. You put it beautifully when you said "I was slowly dying, now I'm slowly living." We want a quick fix but that's not possible; you seem to recognize that it's as slow a trek uphill as it was downhill.

About the cinnamon. I started taking it when I had gestational diabetes and I still take it, in capsule form along with the rest of my vitamins. Know why? It makes post-vitamin burps very pleasant (especially if you've taken Bs and fish oil). :-)
Good for you on the positive news! That must be a great relief to you.

You know, I m in the same place you are now - finally getting healthy, I feel like I "woke up" and started living again after many years of illnesses and injuries that kept my weight creeping up and my energy nonexistent. It is slow, but steady, progress now. I can't go back and be that person again, it's just not going to happen - I have too much living to do! You will get through this too, you are so determined. Reading about your efforts has really inspired me, did I mention that before? :-)
Congrats on the good news! Try some oolong tea. It's delish and really helps.
I'm not sure how a Wonder Woman cookie jar really works on the whole WW theme...but maybe it could be a Wonder Woman High Protein, High Fiber Snack Jar. Anyhoo...have you seen it? Makes me think of you.
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