¡Ombligo!

2. I have been a self-injurer since I was three or four years old. Growing up I knew it wasn't natural but it was the only way I could cope with things. I felt a huge sense of relief once I knew there was a name to it and knew that I wasn't alone. It's something I struggle with every day of my life. We are supposed to have infantile amnesia until we are around three years old so I can't say I'm 100% sure I remember everything about the events of which caused me to become a self-injurer so I can't say exactly what happened, but deep in my heart I know something happened and have some memories of it.

3. I have and will always have a weight problem no matter what size I am. I was a fat kid, fat teen and am now a fat adult and in the past I've also had issues with bulimia. I'm currently on Weight Watchers in my attempt to control my weight and learn how to eat properly. I understand loving yourself at any size but I was hating myself and had passed the point of control. I'm not trying to look like a waif, I just want to be me at a normal, healthy size. No matter what my size is, I'm always going to have a weight problem.

4. I'm multiracial. I identify myself as Mestizo and Asian. I have issues with labeling myself as Hispanic (which was a term coined for the US Census) or Latina as I feel it doesn't honor my native blood which Mestizo does. There is a movement in the Mestizo/Hispanic/Latino community where the majority believe that it's important to maintain the language and culture of their native land, yet once the Spaniards conquered the Americas they forced their language and beliefs on the native people so they aren't maintaining the culture of their native people - they are maintaining the culture of the Spaniards! Because I have a Spanish surname, people insult me for not speaking Spanish but the majority of my ancestors didn't even come from Spain! My mom's father came to this country from China, he died long before I was born. Cultural traditions weren't carried in my family as both of my grandmothers lost their mothers at a very young age and were sent to various family members so they didn't have much of a chance to learn any. Instead, they adopted American traditions as their own so there is no "best of both worlds" thing going on in my family.

5. When I was very young. I was bilingual (English/Spanish). Growing up, I spend a lot of time with my grandmother who spoke only Spanish and we had maids who took care of my sister and I who also spoke only Spanish. I hated one maid in particular who wouldn't let me play outside. My next door neighbor Jacob would ring the doorbell and ask if I could go outside to play. The maid, who was here illegally would scream "La Migra, La Migra!" (Which means Border Patrol) and she'd refuse to open the door. Anytime the door rang she believed that it was Border Patrol so I'd have to go through this quite often. Seriously, why would border patrol hire a five year old boy to trick illegals into opening the door? While my parents are both bilingual (English/Spanish) they didn't want my sister and I to be for fear that we'd be discriminated against. In the 1950's out here in Texas, kids who spoke Spanish at school were punished and sometimes hit. So, I was raised in a monolingual household but I studied Spanish in elementary school and in college - took French in high school. I understand Spanish very well and can read and write if I try hard enough but forget about speaking it. In my head I speak beautiful Spanish, but it comes out just awful.

6. My paternal grandfather was a bullfighter. While he died when I was twelve, I didn't really get to know him. He had the dream that one of his sons would follow in his footsteps so my dad and his brothers spent a lot of their childhood in the ring taking bullfighting lessons. When I was four, I went to my first and only bullfight. My Grandfather would watch the bullfights on tv so I thought I had an idea of what went on. But, I didn't know that the bull was being stabbed by the banderillas - I just thought they were colorful decorations! And I didn't know that the bull was killed - I don't know what I thought. It was just awful! I asked my dad once how they could allow me to see that and he said "Sandra, I'd been to over a hundred bull fights, you just went to one. Yet that one bullfight is burned in my brain.

7. No matter how bad a movie is, I have to finish it! I don't know why I do this to myself. Last night I saw Honey. This issue is also true with food because I was told one too many times about the starving children in Africa.

8. I love surprises! My Mom and sister don't believe in surprises and they will reveal what my present is before I open it! This is the reason thatIi can't resist grab bags and probably explains my obsession with The Sampler.

9. I save my fortune cookie slips. I've been saving them for a long time now and my favorite is: You will step foot on many lands.

10. I dance everyday! Not usually for a long time, sometimes it's just twirls asI'mm making coffee or leaps before I head off to the mailbox, most of the time it's just the length of one song.

11. I can't say "I love you." Growing up we never said said I love you so whenever someone tells me that they love me I say "Uh huh." It's not that I don't love them back, it's just strange to hear those words come out of my mouth.

12. I make a bad first impression. All my life I've heard "I thought you were such a bitch when I first met you." It's because I'm very much reserved when I first meet people but once they get to know me, they like me.

13. I'm a failure. No matter what how hard I try, I fail at everything! I moved to Denver months after graduating from college with my sister and failed miserably there and had to move back. It destroyed myspiritt. I didn't speak to my sister for probably over a year because it hurt too much to hear how good her life was going up there. For a long time my heart would sink whenever I'd hear the words Denver or Colorado. I'm fine now but I've yet to go back. As I fail at everything on the first try I just have to try harder the second time.

14. I'm the only one in my family who hasn't won a trophy or a title. The closest I've ever been to one has been the science fair where I got a participation ribbon - then again, everyone got one!

15. Anytime people hear that I win a lot of contests they want to know if I play the lottery. They don't understand that I'm against gambling. My mom's dad was a gambler and he'd bet all his money away, the last thing I need is another addiction!

16. I have a crooked pinkie finger. I was nine and on the swings in the afterschool program. This girl wanted to use the swing I was on so when I she jerked the chains, I went flying in the air and broke my pinkie. I didn't tell my parents as I was afraid of getting in trouble so I was in pain for several weeks until it finally healed on it's own. I never got it fixed.

17. I "died" once. When I was in college my friends and I went out of town for spring break. On our way home we got into a bad car accident, nobody was injured but it could have been really bad. So, the first day back on campus a lot of people weresurprisedd to see me and kept saying that they were glad that I was alive so I assumed they were talking about the accident I was in. Meanwhile, a lot of my friends were getting "I'm so sorry to hear your friend Sandra died." I thought my friends were playing a joke telling people I had died. At first I thought, oh no big deal until my friend who was going to school in San Antonio called me to verify that I wasn't dead. Come to find out that the same week that I was in the car accident, a girl with my first and surname had died in a car accident - she was a few years older than me so people assumed it was just me. I think there are people who still believe to this day that it was me who died.

18. The only days I liked going to school were bookorder day and library day. I want to collect all the Carolyn Haywood books as she was my favorite author as a child.

19. I refuse to eat chicken on the bone. I eat primarily chicken but won't eat chicken on the bone, it just seems unnatural to me. I also won't eat the skin. Whenever my parents would buy friend chicken I'd pull back the skin, try a little and then give the rest to my dad. I got yelled at everytime for doing that!

20. I've had my drivers license since I was 16 but I refuse to drive. I'd like to get over my anxiety on this and start up again, I can't be a pedestrian for the rest of my life.

I don't know who hasn't been tagged so consider yourself tagged by me if you haven't done this already.

posted by Sand  # 7:57 PM