¡Ombligo!

My weight stayed exactly the same this week - nothing gained, nothing lost. I did put in a lot of effort this week and maybe I could have put in a bit more, I really don't know. I still have over a week of the higher dosage of Synthroid left so my levels are still off until I start the new dosage and that could attribute to my not losing any weight this week. I'm going to put more effort this week as I want to see some change from this week to the next.

Weight Watchers gave me the usual message:
It's natural to have mixed feelings on these weeks when the scale remains the same. On one hand, you might be a little disappointed that you didn't lose weight, but on the other, you're just thankful that you haven't gained!

Blah, Blah, Blah!

SI Report: It's taken a long time to get to the point where I'm able to talk about being a self injurer. My decision to not keep it a secret came three years ago when I was first diagnosed with Graves which in so many ways, was the lowest point in my life. For a long time there I refused to put up a fight for my life but when I got to that absolute low, it was up to me to give up then and there or make a change and be the absolute best I can be.

It was and still is so hard to talk, especially given the fact that there are so many misunderstandings about it. Self injury has been my coping mechanism for so long that I worry that I don't know any other way of dealing with issues. A negative coping mechanism certainly and one that so many people in my life have questioned how I could gain any relief from causing myself pain. That's a question that I sometimes find hard to answer but I wonder how different it is as opposed to those who use other negative coping mechanisms to deal with issues, such as drinking excessively and the like. Such a different way to numb the pain, still negative but somewhat more acceptable in our society.

Because I've been able to talk about it more freely so many people assumed that I stopped injuring myself which wasn't and still isn't the case. It's been over a month now since I last injured myself but it's something I am faced with every day.

Sometimes it's a specific situation that will cause me to injure myself and sometimes it's a build up of different situations. For me, it feels like a ball of fire within my soul, contently building and each negative situation makes it stronger and stronger until it explodes. Once it explodes it feels like my world is falling apart, I'm falling apart and in that moment I need to let all the negativity out of my body. So, I injure myself to let go of all that pain and immediately after I've done so I feel instantly better. This weekend, a new friend and fellow self-injurer reached out to me she pointed out this article and brought up the fact that endorphins are released when we injure ourselves.

Sadly, it's a temporary solution for a permanent problem. Afterward, not only do you have to deal with the fact that you've repeated the cycle once again but you also have to go though the process of healing your body as well. I injure mostly the areas of my body that can be hidden from plain view as it's such a mark of shame but there are instances where I've gone so over the top that my injuries are in plain view of everyone that I can't hide them.

So much shame, too much shame that I need to be free of it all. Talking about it for me helps so much, it's one step in slowly taking back my life. I truly believe that it's never to late too become the person you always wanted to be. I'm slowly gaining ground there and taking back my life because I'm worth it.