Last week I was really determined to make the scale move, I've just been feeling so out of it and everytime it seems I'm making progress - I end up even farther behind. I was rather frustrated but focused on what I could accomplish and really stuck to eating healthy all week (some days I didn't even use up all my WW points) and put in so much effort with my exercise - much more than usual. In all honesty, it was like my body was possessed by a health freak or something but I really needed to see some results.
Last Friday, I started on the lower level of Synthroid which I kinda knew wouldn't affect my weight any this week but I hoped that all my extra efforts would pay off. When I woke up Monday morning I felt lighter and had it set in my head that I lost a pound. I get on the scale and see that I only lost .2 lbs. Seriously, I thought the scale was broken and kept checking the number but it didn't change only .2 lbs lost this week. I logged in my weight got the typical WW message that I'm losing weight at a healthy rate, blah, blah, blah... and tried to shrug it off as if it didn't bother me.
Now I know so much of my weight loss is determined by my thryroid and when it's in check I lose weight and when it's off I don't. I know this, but still it gets to me because I have so much determination in me - I don't know, it's like I have to prove not only to myself but others that I'm worthy of such a happy life because deep inside of me there is this spirit that is just waiting for the day when it can shine, when I can shine. I try not to get too frustrated when my levels are off because it's beyond my control at that point. I know I have to control what I can and leave everything up in the air I guess but that's not enough for me. It just frustrates me not to have full control.
Later that Monday I got my feelings hurt over the smallest,most insignificant comment that was said to me and really the person who said it wasn't out to hurt me but I just took it as that.
Naturally - for me at least - it was enough of a trigger to want to injure myself.
I start really focus on the real reason why I want to injure myself and everything has to do with my frustration. Frustration about my weight issues, frustration with Graves disease, frustration with being a self injurer. When my levels are off I notice that I'm such a jittery mess, I can't maintain my focus on anything. The smallest tasks just frustrate me, my memory is totally off and once again with the sleeping problems.
I'm just beyond frustrated and start crying and I hate when I cry, I've always seen it as such a sign of weakness for myself. Ugh, as a kid I was teased so much either for being fat or for looking like a freak because of my vitiligo and I was so determined not to let anyone see me cry, not to give them the satisfaction to know that they hurt me so I'd wait until I got home to cry while I'd injure myself.
Anyhow, once I started crying I couldn't stop. For twenty minutes while making this whole wheat, cheeseless, vegetarian pizza I'm just sobbing away trying to let it all out which in all honesty made me cry even harder because here I had only lost .2 lbs in the week and I'm trying once again to eat healthy but deep in the back of my mind I want to pile on loads of cheese and just give up. After all that crying I felt better, much better and the need to injure myself had passed.
I had been thinking last week if it was going to get any easier, thinking about my struggle with self injury and I compared it to my struggle with my weight.
Does it get any easier? In all honesty, it doesn't!
It just becomes more routine, knowing how to make healthier choices for my life. Where the decision to choose the healthier option comes up faster and makes more sense than before.
I then settled on the fact that I can only do so much at this point and try not to let all this frustration get to me fast forward to today where I wasn't feeling good and low and behold I get a sign - my flow. I know, I know T.M.I.
Stupid flow which is usually a bad sign, but not this time because an absence of a flow means something is wrong with my body - typically that my levels are off like last month when I skipped. Anyhow, it's the first sign that my levels are getting more normal so I can expect to feel better sometime soon and hopefully I'll start seeing changes in my weight once again! Until then I just have to really focus on my goals and not let all these frustrations get to me.
Highs and lows, I know this! I just wish there were a lot more highs!
The highs I can take - it's the lows that get to me!