Ah, the numbers! Oh, the numbers! Why? Why, don't they change?!?!
Okay, okay the number did change.....slightly.
I lost .4 lbs from last week to this one which is practically nothing. I know, I know in the end it all adds up but I'd like it to add up a little bit faster than this!
It was noted this past week that I looked though I've lost a lot of weight - which I have - over a year
but haven't - more recently. Thing is now the weight loss has become more apparent in my face. So yeah I still have a big fat face and a chunk body to follow but you can kinda tell that something is going on.......slowly.A lot of mixed emotions come with these subtle changes as I'm still frustrated at how slow everything is progressing. The past couple weeks have been a real challenge as I'm doing my absolute hardest and it's still not enough! Hills and valleys, I know! It still makes me want to scream!
Sometimes I think I'm making more and more strides when it comes to self control but at the same time I'm not at the place where I've mastered self control. I made a comment last week that I can't have an entire cake in the house. I just can't, I'm weak when it comes to cake and although I know the consequences of eating cake I'd still polish it off. Now I've never polished off an entire cake by myself but have come relatively close to it, in the past.
I strongly believe with this entire process to eat foods that I would normally eat, not to restrict anything from my diet because as soon as I go bad, the pounds will pile back on. So, on occasion I'll allow myself a treat - now these occasions are becoming few and far between in this entire process and I'm slowly breaking my addiction towards bad foods and finding that I don't have as much of a desire to eat them. And really, if you don't purchase them - you can't eat them.
Before, I didn't see it so much as an addiction but it is - at least for me. To explain this better, I've known alcoholics that can't have alcohol in the house - it's too hard to be around it. Yet there are others that can have it in the house but they have enough self control not to serve themselves any of it.
When it comes to bad foods, I'm at the place where I can't have it in the house - I can't! I'm not strong enough to have them around but not eat them and I feel really awful about it!
I don't know.
Sensibly, it seems rather funny to admit an addiction towards cake or other bad foods but at the same time it's made me feel like such an absolute failure. Yet, I'm not trying to be funny in my admittance of my addiction towards cake or other bad foods because in all honesty, I'm an addict.
I was mentioning this to my sister and she brought up that saying "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."
I'm an addict and know it, have always known it but never really acknowledged it because even when I acknowledge it it still looked upon like a joke. When I was little, my parents would buy those Hostess or Little Debbie treats for our lunches - rather, my sister's lunches. Being a fat kid I was always put on a diet of somekind and was told that I couldn't have those treats. I'd still sneak them in as I was a latch key kid and as soon as I came home I'd eat one of those treats and hide the wrapper in a sheet of foil and bury it in the bottom of the trash can. It's behavior I still exhibit to this day and I'm not sure how to break free of it.
At this point all I can do is avoid having these foods in the house because I'm not strong enough. Perhaps I'll never be strong enough?
Anyhow, this past week was a bit rough. There were a lot of tears shed this week. Most had to do with my hormones going crazy on me and some had to do with the reaction people have towards my addiction with food.
And really you'd think I'd be more okay with it by now especially since my addiction with food isn't my only addiction. That's where my self injury issues come up once again. Again a behavior I never really saw as an addiction but it is and it's one that I'm trying desperately to defeat. This week was made easier with my ability to cry to get my emotions out and again I relied heavily on breathe therapy.
The past couple of weeks have been a real test as I've had problems sleeping. I've been a life long insomniac and have the tendency to injure myself more when I'm having problems sleeping. It's frustrating enough being unable to sleep and the more I lay there, the more I start to think about all the negative issues in my life which make me even more frustrated! Before you know it I've reached my boiling point and injure myself.
My sleeping pills haven't been quite so effective these past couple weeks so I've been watching a lot of television until I can fall asleep naturally. At this point I'm trying not to let any negativity build up to a boiling point, to deal with negative emotions as soon as they arise. So far it's working, it's all about the subtle changes this week.