Thursday, May 04, 2006


WW: Whatever!

So, it's May and I have a little over two months until my birthday. I don't know, I'm in a bit of a slump and some days are so much easier than others. I had hoped to focus this month on facing my fears of driving but am going to have to postpone until next month. That wasn't an easy decision to make as my entire goal was to enter a new decade having faced and/or conquered my fears. I honestly thought I'd be at a better place by now and am not, nowhere near it. The last couple of weeks have really shown my vulnerability and I want to move onto the next step when I'm better prepared.

Now, onto the weight loss...Well, I stepped on the scale Monday and found out I lost .6 lbs. I was rather surprised as I had worked hard all last week and was really focused. I was hoping for at least a pound lost as everything is in check so far. *rolls eyes* Whatever!

I've been really good at my eating habits and am starting to get it. Like it's finally starting to click where I'm automatically making healthier choices - of course there is still a lot of work to be done but I'm starting to get it...finally. I'm making better decisions on what to eat and how much - really, I can now serve myself smaller portions and not feel totally deprived.

One thing that I've been having problems with this week is my focus on exercise. I don't know what it is but for some reason I just couldn't find my focus and was rather lax about exercise the last few days. Today I woke up feeling just awful (both physically and mentally) so I spent an intense hour on the treadmill.

I felt incredible afterwards, exhausted but exhilarated! Felt good to finally find my focus for the week - even if it was so late in the week.

SI: Ah, last week was relatively good as I was on a high after last week's weigh in and really focused on how good that felt. I've been focusing a lot on breathe therapy, I've also moved on to making a fist with both hands. It's like I'm trying to hold all the stress and tension in my fists while I breathe to bring me down and as I open my hands, I let go of all that negativity.

The other day they were talking about self injurers on Good Morning America and my heart just sank. They were talking about self injurers who go online to seek other ways of injuring themselves, there are communities where users even upload pictures of their injuries. I was honestly surprised as I'm well aware of the communities for self injurers seeking help but didn't know there were communities in which the sole purpose is is to descend deeper into self injury. I'm not sure what communities they were referring to as it was a relatively short report but I know how easy it is to pick up ideas when you're that vulnerable.

My mom is the one person that I've tried many times to have her understand my issues with self injury without much success. Less than two weeks ago, I think I made a little progress - not quite in her understanding of it but more my declaration of it. As I mentioned before, it was something that was well known in my household growing up but never mentioned. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done there but I think it's more work that needs to be done on my end rather than others understanding of it. I can't force people to understand it when I can't quite fully understand it myself.


I've heard about these communities; they're similar to pro-ana (anorexia) communities. They're meant to be forums for people who starve themselves or self-injure to connect with each other and celebrate their disorders as lifestyle choices. I've got mixed feelings about such sites. On the one hand they scare me for the same reasons they scare everyone. On the other hand, they're the logical outcome of a medical system that treats young women with eating and self-injury disorders as though they are not intelligent beings with a need for dignity and validation just like anyone else.
Hey, babe. Make sure the sites you're on are either run by professionals or focus on stopping harm, not pro harm. It's a drag but you might have to do a little groundwork make sure they're legit help sites. You could ask a hospital for recommendations, too--they should have resources to look into, including online. It's hard to be around all the SI and to get tempted by the negative ones, like the poster above said about pro ana sites. Fortunately, those are harder to find and you have to actually dig around for them. And like the poster also said, it is the outcome of a belittling, minimizing society that makes people feel worse than when they came to seek help. It's a shame, but keep looking--the right help resources are out there, and so are caring people who really are there because they've been through it and have overcome and know what it feels like to be belittled by so-called help programs. They say one caring person can help change the lives of many and it's true. Truly good, helpful people might be few and far between so keep looking.

Easier said than done but stay positive. you deserve the best and we love you.

As for the diet and exercise, you're doing it! It is a fantastic thing that you're instinctively portion-controlling now, too. You're getting in the habit of a healthier lifestyle. That's what it's about so give yourself credit. Change doesn't happen overnight. If it were so easy, so many people wouldn't suffer from the same problems as you do, but they do.
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