Monday, March 27, 2006


WW: Blah, Blah, Blah!

My weight stayed exactly the same this week - nothing gained, nothing lost. I did put in a lot of effort this week and maybe I could have put in a bit more, I really don't know. I still have over a week of the higher dosage of Synthroid left so my levels are still off until I start the new dosage and that could attribute to my not losing any weight this week. I'm going to put more effort this week as I want to see some change from this week to the next.

Weight Watchers gave me the usual message:
It's natural to have mixed feelings on these weeks when the scale remains the same. On one hand, you might be a little disappointed that you didn't lose weight, but on the other, you're just thankful that you haven't gained!

Blah, Blah, Blah!

SI Report: It's taken a long time to get to the point where I'm able to talk about being a self injurer. My decision to not keep it a secret came three years ago when I was first diagnosed with Graves which in so many ways, was the lowest point in my life. For a long time there I refused to put up a fight for my life but when I got to that absolute low, it was up to me to give up then and there or make a change and be the absolute best I can be.

It was and still is so hard to talk, especially given the fact that there are so many misunderstandings about it. Self injury has been my coping mechanism for so long that I worry that I don't know any other way of dealing with issues. A negative coping mechanism certainly and one that so many people in my life have questioned how I could gain any relief from causing myself pain. That's a question that I sometimes find hard to answer but I wonder how different it is as opposed to those who use other negative coping mechanisms to deal with issues, such as drinking excessively and the like. Such a different way to numb the pain, still negative but somewhat more acceptable in our society.

Because I've been able to talk about it more freely so many people assumed that I stopped injuring myself which wasn't and still isn't the case. It's been over a month now since I last injured myself but it's something I am faced with every day.

Sometimes it's a specific situation that will cause me to injure myself and sometimes it's a build up of different situations. For me, it feels like a ball of fire within my soul, contently building and each negative situation makes it stronger and stronger until it explodes. Once it explodes it feels like my world is falling apart, I'm falling apart and in that moment I need to let all the negativity out of my body. So, I injure myself to let go of all that pain and immediately after I've done so I feel instantly better. This weekend, a new friend and fellow self-injurer reached out to me she pointed out this article and brought up the fact that endorphins are released when we injure ourselves.

Sadly, it's a temporary solution for a permanent problem. Afterward, not only do you have to deal with the fact that you've repeated the cycle once again but you also have to go though the process of healing your body as well. I injure mostly the areas of my body that can be hidden from plain view as it's such a mark of shame but there are instances where I've gone so over the top that my injuries are in plain view of everyone that I can't hide them.

So much shame, too much shame that I need to be free of it all. Talking about it for me helps so much, it's one step in slowly taking back my life. I truly believe that it's never to late too become the person you always wanted to be. I'm slowly gaining ground there and taking back my life because I'm worth it.

(((S))) You are absolutely worth it! Thank you for sharing.

I struggle with the coping mechanism aspect too. I know purging is bad, but when I'm at that beyond-stressed-out point, and the compulsion is at its strongest, I find I can't tell myself a good reason why NOT to. And I don't know many *healthy* alternatives. I know a lot of that is my fault, since I haven't gotten therapy, but knowing what I know (from my education and research) I really can't conceive of something that would work as well for me. How sad is that???

I am SO proud of you for your prolonged periods of abstinence! And for all that you've done in general, to take control of your life. Keep on keepin' on!

((((Sand))) You *are* worth it.
I don't know what to say, but if you were here or I was there I would so give you a big hug. And braid your hair, because that's the sort of ridiculous sort of thing I do when I don't what else to do and I want to let someone know I care. I am so unbelievably impressed with your willingness to talk about it in such a public way, S, that takes a ton of guts I bet.

" I truly believe that it's never to late too become the person you always wanted to be. I'm slowly gaining ground there and taking back my life because I'm worth it." There is so much wisdom in that - and you are worth so much and more.
Hello. I came across your blog and your post. I can relate to so many pieces here. I too am a self injurer, bulimic and alcoholic all in recovery. I have AA to help me with the alcoholism, WW (weight watchers) to help me with the bulima and SIA to help me with the self injury.

Have you ever gone to an SIA meeting? Because the topic is misunderstood there are not many of these types of meetings around. I attend one in Pasadena California. There I get to be a part of something, not feel like I am a mutant from another planet and share/get experience, strength and hope with other cutters and those alike.

Talking about your self injuring gives it less power. I can relate to "I need to let all the negativity out of my body." you write. I am there with you. It's like a baloon filling with air inside waiting tp explode. We activate that explosion by cutting. It seems so purifying, like cleansing that build up.

Yo are not alone and I hope that you continue to explore this part of you. You sound like a wonderful person with many emotions, almost a blessing and a handicap (those darn emotions). Thanks for being so brave and sharing a part of your truth.

It's so hard to find and focus on a healty alternative, you learn as you grow right? I guess it's all about working toward the best person you can possibly be and to find freedom from the ties that bind you. ♥

KBee - We're totally worth it!

Katie - Talking about it gives me so much more freedom because for so long I kept it secret and the feelings hidden from everyone it's scary but freeing!

SC - I've never been to an SIA meeting, they don't have them here. Hopefully someday in the future!

Peej - ♥
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