Wednesday, April 19, 2006


WW: Subtle Changes

Ah, the numbers! Oh, the numbers! Why? Why, don't they change?!?!

Okay, okay the number did change.....slightly.

I lost .4 lbs from last week to this one which is practically nothing. I know, I know in the end it all adds up but I'd like it to add up a little bit faster than this!

It was noted this past week that I looked though I've lost a lot of weight - which I have - over a year but haven't - more recently.

Thing is now the weight loss has become more apparent in my face. So yeah I still have a big fat face and a chunk body to follow but you can kinda tell that something is going on.......slowly.

A lot of mixed emotions come with these subtle changes as I'm still frustrated at how slow everything is progressing. The past couple weeks have been a real challenge as I'm doing my absolute hardest and it's still not enough!

Hills and valleys, I know! It still makes me want to scream!

Sometimes I think I'm making more and more strides when it comes to self control but at the same time I'm not at the place where I've mastered self control. I made a comment last week that I can't have an entire cake in the house. I just can't, I'm weak when it comes to cake and although I know the consequences of eating cake I'd still polish it off. Now I've never polished off an entire cake by myself but have come relatively close to it, in the past.

I strongly believe with this entire process to eat foods that I would normally eat, not to restrict anything from my diet because as soon as I go bad, the pounds will pile back on. So, on occasion I'll allow myself a treat - now these occasions are becoming few and far between in this entire process and I'm slowly breaking my addiction towards bad foods and finding that I don't have as much of a desire to eat them. And really, if you don't purchase them - you can't eat them.

Before, I didn't see it so much as an addiction but it is - at least for me. To explain this better, I've known alcoholics that can't have alcohol in the house - it's too hard to be around it. Yet there are others that can have it in the house but they have enough self control not to serve themselves any of it.

When it comes to bad foods, I'm at the place where I can't have it in the house - I can't! I'm not strong enough to have them around but not eat them and I feel really awful about it!

I don't know.

Sensibly, it seems rather funny to admit an addiction towards cake or other bad foods but at the same time it's made me feel like such an absolute failure. Yet, I'm not trying to be funny in my admittance of my addiction towards cake or other bad foods because in all honesty, I'm an addict.

I was mentioning this to my sister and she brought up that saying "I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

I'm an addict and know it, have always known it but never really acknowledged it because even when I acknowledge it it still looked upon like a joke. When I was little, my parents would buy those Hostess or Little Debbie treats for our lunches - rather, my sister's lunches. Being a fat kid I was always put on a diet of somekind and was told that I couldn't have those treats. I'd still sneak them in as I was a latch key kid and as soon as I came home I'd eat one of those treats and hide the wrapper in a sheet of foil and bury it in the bottom of the trash can. It's behavior I still exhibit to this day and I'm not sure how to break free of it.

At this point all I can do is avoid having these foods in the house because I'm not strong enough. Perhaps I'll never be strong enough?

Anyhow, this past week was a bit rough. There were a lot of tears shed this week. Most had to do with my hormones going crazy on me and some had to do with the reaction people have towards my addiction with food.

And really you'd think I'd be more okay with it by now especially since my addiction with food isn't my only addiction. That's where my self injury issues come up once again. Again a behavior I never really saw as an addiction but it is and it's one that I'm trying desperately to defeat. This week was made easier with my ability to cry to get my emotions out and again I relied heavily on breathe therapy.

The past couple of weeks have been a real test as I've had problems sleeping. I've been a life long insomniac and have the tendency to injure myself more when I'm having problems sleeping. It's frustrating enough being unable to sleep and the more I lay there, the more I start to think about all the negative issues in my life which make me even more frustrated! Before you know it I've reached my boiling point and injure myself.

My sleeping pills haven't been quite so effective these past couple weeks so I've been watching a lot of television until I can fall asleep naturally. At this point I'm trying not to let any negativity build up to a boiling point, to deal with negative emotions as soon as they arise. So far it's working, it's all about the subtle changes this week.

I'm getting frustrated reading about how slow the process has been for you. How many calories are you taking in each day? Maybe the system you're using isn't effective anymore and it's time to try something new. I remember being on WW until I got to a point where I wasn't losing any more weight, and I went from eating one of those WW meals to eating one can of Chunky soup instead, and I lost weight again. The difference was maybe 100 calories but it made a difference. I also loaded up on veggies and water on a regular basis so didn't feel hungry. I wish there was something I could do to help but I'm not you...

Careful with those sleeping pills. ;-) Love ya!
I should clarify and say I didn't feel *as* hungry. There's no way I was able to feel full or satisfied while dieting. It's a tough road, but it shouldn't take this much effort to lose one pound every week or two.
I feel for you - I have to deal with the weight thing myself, I always have, most likely always will. Please remember you are not alone. People who are naturally thin have absolutely no idea what we go through. If only it were as easy as "giving up dessert", the way some people drop a few pounds. They are not like us.

I read your blog almost every day, but I rarely leave a comment. Just know that there are people out here who know how brave you are.
I must tell you that I can pass up cake. But I am addicted to Peanut butter cups. I absolutely cannot have them in my house, ever. The last time was a bag from halloweeen, that I ate in 2 days. And only because I began to feel dizzy from all the sugar, or it would have been one day. We use to have them at work, it was not unusual for me to eat 5-6 packages a day. But I can resist buying them, thankfully.

I loose weight very, very slowly too. I always say, if there was a plane crash in a remote area. I'd be the last one found alive and probably gained weight from eating too much grass.

Hang in there.
(((S))) You are doing SO well!!! I know it's agonizing, the slowness and the lack of dramatic changes, but it's sustainable loss. There are a number of foods I can't bring into the house, because I know exactly what will happen of I do. Heck, there are whole *aisles* in the grocery store I have to avoid! Keep doing what you're doig - it may be slow, but it's *working*!

I need to testify for those of you who don't know that I've lost 40lbs at a time (twice), and not because I was unhappy with the way I looked but because my producer complained and I felt my job was threatened. It wasn't an easy feat at all. It was one of the hardest things I've ever accomplished. Naturally thin? No, obesity runs in my family and I have to control my weight all the time. Not all Asians are naturally thin, either. Granted I don't have health challenges that Sand faces which slows down the process for her, somethng I feel bad about but at the same point don't want to seem patronizing about. But losing weight isn't easy for anybody, even people who are thin.

When I was dieting, giving up dessert made a difference. I was eating half a cookie a day at one point and I didn't lose any weight even though I was strictly on WW. When I cut out the half a cookie, I lost weight (very little but 2-4 lbs a month was average). I compromised with myself and had a bite (about 1/8) of a cookie instead of a whole half and that was enough to give me a taste and still lose at the same pace. I still ration my desserts if I have any at all. Some days I'll have a whole Hershey's kiss, sometimes I'll have half of that. It depends on the week but I'm disciplined all the time. It's amazing I've never developed an eating disorder because I'm so strict with my weight control. For me, the battle is to keep disciplined or I don't get work. I am in entertainment. No one can tell me it's easy to be in this business because it's as shallow as you can ever imagine it to be.

You've already lost so much weight, so believe me, Sand, it's always the remaining pounds that are the hardest to lose. I nearly lost my mind when the last 10-15 lbs wouldn't come off for months. That's when I changed my approach.

The body is used to a certain amount of calories each day and you need to take 500 less that what you're taking to lose approximately one pound a week (or more, or less, but your weight shouldn't stay the same week after week when you're working out like crazy and eating so little). Most people don't want to count calories but for me, it was the only effective way to lose weight in the end. I would forgo something that had 40 calories if it meant going over my 1500 per day limit. I think those WW meals have more calories in them than they say.

Just don't be afraid to improvise. Stay encouraged--you've done an amazing job so far.
Sand I do believe your body reaches a point that is is acustom to your diet.Yet the shape is changing so something is happening. I never ever buy foods I can't eat , it is not addtion so much as desire to taste goodies .It can't be a addiction in my case as I have not had these foods! Someone sent me a easter egg, oh my I should have tossed it right into my Dh's Mouth. But No there it sits in my drawer calling my name..eat me eat me...When ever I gain a few I mix my diet up , it seems to put me back to were I should be , give it a try , you may have outgrown WW. And can deal with free forming your own menu for a while. I keep a fudge factor as well, for me it is milk I drink too much of it, so when I must ,and I do mean must lose wieght I can always lose the milk.(okay cream I have been known to use cream in my coffee). I have never gone a day without a struggle with my diet , weight is second ,since a few wrong moves can send my blood sugars over the top. One one big suggestion is to scrap the starches totally for Fiber lots of it! an I don't mean fruit, eat the teeth chipping unsoluble bran baby . And use those dark color vegs to the max. it may break the plateau , then go back to a WW diet. You are going to make your ideal MWAH Tink

Have you ever read the book Potatoes Not Prozac? It treats sugar dependence as an addiction and offers a plan for reducing sugar cravings. It sounds hilarious but it works: 3 meals/day with ample protein and a small potato before bed. The glycemic action of the spud helps the tryptophan from the protein cross the blood-brain barrier where it's converted to serotonin while you sleep. You'll have crazy Prozac dreams. I did beautifully on this plan, which you ease into slowly; giving up sweets is the LAST thing you do, and by that time you're ready to let them go. The problem is, your inner sugar addict is always a part of you, so if you go off the plan for whatever reason, you'll end up back where you were.

You are a smart woman to recognize that you approach sugar like an addict. I do too, which is why I don't keep them in the house. (But my car and wallet are all too accessible...)
p.s. there's an online support community at www.radiantrecovery.com where you can ask questions and get advice as well. Nice bunch of women there.
Don´t give up!!!
I ocasionally read your blog (got here via nowsmellthis)
And I must say, having a close friend who is battling morbid obesity, that I know things are not as easy or simple as most people would want you to believe. Keep up the good work, rejoice on your achievements and go for a healthy weight goal!! :)
My humble advice... if you want to go to sleep easily... do some sort of physical activity, if possible in the afternoon/evening, replenish your fluids (this will also stave off the hunger pangs and provide you with potasium,etc) and then read something in bed. Bill Clionton's bio does the trick for me.... unless monica is featured on the chapter!!! ;-)
Keep it up, a lot of readers are keeping u company at least in spirit!!!
For the loved ones and friends in my life who are addicted to food, (their words, not mine so no one thinks I'm oversimplifying anything) food = love, food = comfort, food = control. It is complex and I can't really speak about it since I'm not a food addict per se. However, even though I've never been ana or mia, I've had food binges when I was depressed, and I've also had bouts of not wanting to eat due to being depressed. These days I'm more bound to not eat than overeat due to emotional problems.

I don't know why we take out or emotions on ourselves in the ways that we do. I'm just sorry that you're suffering. It's like watching my own family members suffer, and it hurts me that stupidpeople around you exacerbate the problem by staying ignorant and making you feel worse by throwing your addiction in your face. The people in my life suffer from the same things being done to them by their spouses, children, in-laws. There are negative reinforcements of the same mentality in media, almost everywhere we turn. I feel powerless because people won't stop being mean (even when they know they're being mean--is meanness an addiction?), and can't fathom how they feel vindicated in their superiority that they don't have these addictions themselves.

As someone who tends to get wrapped up in extremes in other areas of my life, I think I understand at some level, but I don't. All I can do is share my personal experiences with dieting on a "numbers" level which I guess isn't saying much. For what its worth, sorry for my ignorance on the matter.
Thank you all so for letting me rant!

I will look into all these tips and ideas as I'm slowly trying to gain some control on my body! Trying to break free of these addictions that only bring me down.

Here's to more highs than lows!

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